Tomorrow I wake up around 3am and go on vacation for 2 weeks.  We'll be travelling to Switzerland to visit relatives, Paris and other locals in France because my sister wanted to, and our friends in Bavaria, Germany for a few days as well.  I have a strong feeling that this will either be the last trip to Europe I have with my parents for a very long time, or the last one.  If I ever go again, it will be on my own accord.  All the adventures that I go on from now on will have to be devised by me.  All the travelling is up to me now.  Strange how it will all be gone now, Switzerland feels like a second home I've come to know the surrounding area so well.  I say this because I think I'll really have to get cracking on real internships every summer now, aside from working with my dad.  At least, that's how I see it.  And, they wont be as lenient with sudden trips to Europe as I have it right now.

Well, summer vacation has been just a big long wait until this moment in time for me actually.  It's going to be 3 months since I've been with Amanda when it's all over.  I really, really miss her a ton.  I am definitely one very lucky person, and can't wait to see her again this year.  With all of the let downs academically from CMU, Amanda's my most positive thought at CMU now, and that does an absolute ton with not letting myself give up at CMU either.  I absolutely can't wait to start the new year with her :D.

This trip will be great, I know.  It'll be cool to see all my relatives one last time before all the serious internships kick in.  And, most notably, I'll be returning to my favorite place in Germany for the first time in 2 years.  How much has changed?  Who has changed?  My former exchange partner, Sabrina, has a boyfriend now....and they just got back from an island vacation!  Funny...all I used to think about was back during that time, having fun with her and the other Germans.  But, I now know that it can never be the same, it can never be the same situation that it once was that I remember.  But, I have so many things to look forward to in my own world.  I'm finally satisfied with just letting everything that was then go now, I can finally let go.  Everything back then was perfect, and couldn't have been any better.  That truely was the best time in my life....so far.

I can only look forward to what's in store for me in the future.  Good grades?  Tons o parties with my west coast Renoian and New Yorker female?  Yeeeeaaaazzzz!! Of course the others are invited, I would be a FOOL not to enjoy the company of everyone I know.  I think some partying with my old crew is much needed this year.  I intend on getting some new contacts, getting the hookup with what's going down this year.  Wait for my signal...you will know.  5 man suite in West Wing.  Huzzah!! Me helping to teach Kung Fu.  Me totally turning a new leaf with my work ethic at CMU.  Backrubs, hugs, kisses, laughing, outings, happiness....mmmmmmmm.

3 more weeks

Well, I guess I'll use this thing.

This summer has been good to me so far.  I've been pretty consistent with going to the gym every other day, though currently my left tricep is injured from straining it too much.  The daily hour commute to Riverside for stats class is going fine...I actually got an A on the stats test.  Gee, I got an A on a test.  Imagine that...

Work is just the same as last year - I totally was involved and desperately needed leading up to and during the trade show in San Francisco for the company.  I did very well working the floor too of our booth, and got a nice amount of time exploring San Francisco.  But, I was all alone in the city.  The walks were great, the place so interesting and wonderful, but I had no one to share it with.  Kinda feels like my whole summer, with me wasting away the pointless time here at work lost inside my own mind.  Maybe that's what I dont use this Xanga much - most of what I would post has already run its course in my mind at least 10 times over.  Another lap on the Xanga feels more like the redundant victory lap...then again I already have a few paragraphs.  Guess I needed some motivation .

Some wonderful things have happened in my life recently, and some very unexpected negative ones.  I wish I could do something about the negative ones, but I just feel so helpless.  Like I'm not good enough...still.  I hate my body's weaknesses.  Or maybe, my mind is weaker than I thought?  Certainly CMU has proven that.  Some things weren't a surprise to me, and others were.  Is my mind not as strong as I thought it was?  It is my only haven...but apparently it isn't strong anymore.  It cant handle stress like I thought.  It's not as good as I hoped it was.

Hmmm, I'm hungry.  Jack in the Box time.

Another day of classes completed, another day of much contemplation of everything.  Events of today, yesterday, the weekend, the past weeks and months.  So much happiness and saddness all around me.  I'm beginning to understand how to master it now, how to make use of the day.  No longer does everyday seem like an unending routine.  Now, everyday is another chance.  Another chance for anything.

Memories are fading, and they refuse to renew themselves.  Pictures are lost, feelings are blurred, images are fuzzy.

Everyday, more and more.

But, my heart is finally free.

This year is different, and I grow ever stronger.

*sigh*

Okay.

Two finals - computer engineering and stats.

I'm a horrible engineer.

I'm on the verge of failing stats.  I have a low D for sure.

I'm not feeling lucky.  This may not turn out good.  Ryan may finally have run out of his supply of luck.  I aint feeling it on this one.  Oh shit, oh shit.  Oh shit!!

....I need to calm down :S.

This is my last stand.  If I do not do this for myself, then...I do it for the ones who care.

Lots of things on my mind right now...I'll write about them another time, but it's almost time for cog psych, so you'll just have to wait for the details later.

Things have been pretty tough on me lately.  Lots of bad things.  Academically, I'll be failing two classes mid semester.  Lots of positive things, ... they help a lot.  But still, lots of things on my mind.  Lots of stress and lots of negative motivation.

But yesterday it all got better around dinner time (this is where I'll write about details later).  Eventually I had to explain to someone the details behind many of my pictures on my website.  Instantly, it was like I was there again.  I could remember (most) every detail, could remember the feelings behind all the pictures, of the people, of me behind the camera at that point.  Trying so hard for certain shots.  It really felt good getting compliments about the pictures, it really did.  Exactly why I took them, to show people something fantastic, to amaze them with the things that amazed me.  Maggie mentioned her dad thought one of my pictures was from National Geographic..heh...nah, just from me.

I was planning on studying for the hour before psych, but I just spent it looking at the India, Thailand, and German pics...on my own high definition copies (sorry everyone, but I'm afraid the pics on the website are only a fraction of what I saw ;P).  It felt good...really good.  It felt good since...I could remember the feeling inside of me taking the pictures.  I could remember the story behind them.  The people I met.  Who they are.

...then I read an old conversation I saved one year ago (almost to the day) from a friend of mine at high school...commenting on things that I did and didn't do once upon a time.  Heh, it's a bitter sweet conversation actually, in between our talk there's jabs at each other, me working on my tripod website, tripod banning me for too much bandwidth usage...it's funny, trust me.  The conversation hurts still...but I liked reading it just now.  It's exactly the kind of thing I needed to read just now.  Not to say I dont appreciate all the other motivation I'm getting (and still need :( ) at this very point in time...but the way the words and ideas are used in this particular IM chat...that's what I needed to see just now.

Everything's going to be fine.

I'll be fine.  I have my hopes, my dreams, my memories.

My memories...

...and perhaps...well, it doesn't matter...

But...if I keep improving and doing well in German class...this might be the year I'll finally, finally,overcome that little detail